Wednesday, April 18, 2012

week 37 day 6

Despite waking up sick, I have a very productive day, well, up until about 2 pm. Mike went to a work meeting all morning and it was somewhat nice to have the house to myself and to not have another distraction for K to get involved in when she's supposed to be doing other things. K and I had a dance/singing party, we colored, we read, and we ate lunch. Well, actually, neither of us really ate. Her tummy wasn't feeling well and I am just sick and don't feel like eating. But I was also able to get lots of laundry done today so I feel very successful.

This afternoon, some of K's stuffed animals, K, and I were sitting in her room, playing with blocks. We happened to be sitting in a circle so K got up and started playing Duck Duck Goose. It was pretty intense. One round probably even lasted a minute with her walking around the circle, tapping everyone's head, saying "duck." Mike ended up joining us a little later and it became much more fun and eventful. Mike just seems to have a way to bring out the craziness in K.

So I have conflicts in my head all the time. Sometimes they're serious matters and sometimes they're pretty menial. Most recently, however, it's been about infertility versus pregnancy.

I don't know what infertility is like other than stories I've read and people I've talked to about it. It seems miserable and there's not a day that goes past that I don't thank Heavenly Father for such the great blessing of being able to be pregnant. I wish there was something I could do to help those I know who are struggling with infertility but unless I can somehow make them fertile, I know I can't do much. But as much as my heart constantly breaks for them, sometimes I feel upset at blog posts I read. I understand they're frustrated, upset, sad, and a lot more feelings that I don't think I'll ever understand that go along with infertility but sometimes these posts really hurt my feelings (remember, I'm pregnant with emotions all over the place).

A few days ago, I read a post about how people who can't get pregnant are so annoyed at those who are pregnant because pregnant people always complain. Obviously, I'm very guilty of this one. It's embarrassing to go back and read my posts because the complaining never stops. But honestly, that's just how I feel. Infertility sucks, I know it does, but pregnancy isn't necessarily a breeze. I realize that anyone who has struggled with infertility would give anything to be pregnant and would probably enjoy every ounce of it, but the truth is that I just don't.

Like I said, I'm very grateful to be able to be pregnant and carry our children but at the same time, the countdown to the due date for me, is not only a countdown to when our baby will finally join us, but also a countdown to get rid of some of this pain. I know there are a lot of pregnant women out there who have basically no pain and love pregnancy and others who have it much worse than I do with being put on bed rest, shots, and frequent doctor and/or hospital visits and I'm lucky to not be one. But like I said in my last post, I'm really looking forward to being "normal" again.

I can't wait to be able to play with K again without being out of breath and lying on the ground, trying to get my back to stop hurting. I'm excited to stand up and not be out of breath and red in the face from all the work it took me. I'm excited to be able to shave my legs without back pain. I'm excited to be able to wear any shoes I want without swelling and pain. I'm excited to just be me again.

So I'm really sorry to those of you who are struggling with infertility. For those of you I know, you're always in my prayers. But also remember, the complaints aren't to remind you of how you're not pregnant but because this is just how pregnancy is for some of us. We don't mean to be mean or sound ungrateful ... it's just what comes along with pregnancy sometimes.

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