week 17 day 4

So I told myself that I would definitely start work by 10 am since I have a bunch of things to write up but it's hard because we had a 7 am staff meeting so that everyone could attend ... 2 people were missing.  Blast them.  So what I'm trying to say is that I have a lot to say but not much time to do so.  Lucky you.

I've been reading this Hypnobirthing book.  It's quite interesting.  There's not many things in it that I feel like I didn't already know but I have enjoyed reading it the past couple of days.  I'll have to expand on it later when I finish it.

Because of a recent event that happened a couple days ago, I have become a lot more paranoid about being pregnant.  Although it's been proven to me 3 times that I'm still pregnant, it's been 3 weeks since I last had proof and I'm stressing ... stressing pretty hard.

Last night I had a dream that I gave birth but I never actually went through the labor part.  They knocked me out because I was really high risk and used forceps to take the baby out.  When Mike and I got to see her, she was absolutely beautiful.  Apparently I had her early so she was only 4 pounds 7 ounces but seemed to be a pretty normal size.  Another oddity was that she was on a meat-weighing scale in Smith's in the meat department.  Odd.

Also, the past couple weeks I've had a bunch of people come up to me and whisper to me, "I heard you were pregnant.  Congrats!"  Or, "___________ told me that you're pregnant, was that okay?"  Or, "I told ________ that you're pregnant.  I hope that's okay."  And for anyone else who might be curious, yes, it's fine.  I've done some deep thinking in my luke-warm (too-cold) baths and I think this morning I discovered the reason why I feel no need to tell anyone I'm pregnant (except family and a few friends).

Two years ago I was engaged and really excited to take another step in my life.  However, two months later it was called off and I had to tell everybody, even people I hardly knew, that I wasn't getting married.  Not then, at least.  A year later, I was nearly engaged again, to Mike this time.  It didn't work out either because we realized we just weren't ready.  Fortunately we stayed together (I didn't know that happened) and were engaged later that year.  I was really hesitant to tell anyone or to talk about it because it's absolutely miserable to tell people that you're not actually getting married.  If you've ever been there before, you understand how awkward it is.  I would walk around and just hope and pray that I wouldn't have to explain the bad news again.  


Well, Mike and I made it through the engagement, made it through marriage, and now have a little one on the way.  Exciting as it is, I still am hesitant to tell people.  I don't want something to happen and then have to tell everyone bad news.  It just stinks.  It's miserable and so hard on the emotions.


By the way, I also had a dream that I squished the baby because I was lying on my stomach.  It was not a great dream.