Saturday, July 31, 2010

I wish I had known ...

This has been a tough week. I had a training I had to attend and didn't take K to it which meant she stayed home with Mike and I traveled back and forth to make sure she was fed. A couple of times, I was really late getting home so K had been very upset for a very long time. I always feel bad when she's hungry and she's not able to eat.

She enjoys staying up until at the earliest, 11 pm. Normally, however, she'll go to sleep around 1:30 am. The times that she's up and is hungry actually coincides with the times where I would feel her kicking inside me the most. I was wondering if this would be the case and I love that it is. Her awake times aren't too bad for me.

She's also pretty good about going to sleep right after night feedings. I was really worried that she'd want to just stay awake after she ate at night because we try to keep her awake during the day after feedings but she has been doing fairly well.

I realize that there are people out there who want to spend time with K. I mean, she's one of the most adorable babies out there so I don't know why someone wouldn't want to hold her. But it's really tough on me because I have been made to feel guilty about trying to keep people away these past couple of weeks. We've allowed Mike's siblings to see her because it's there first time, and probably only time for quite a while, but other than that, I've just needed and really wanted to rest without visitors.

I don't think many people actually realize that when people come over, it's very stressful to me. Having a clean house is important to me so I will try to do the dishes and clean before people come over. Since having K, this is something I've struggled with most. Quite often lately, I will go to bed with items left on the table, the bathroom unclean, and blankets and toys scattered all over the living room. This was never normal for me before K.

Not only do I try to clean the place up, but I have to try to adjust K's feeding schedule to when people come over (usually doesn't work), I try to make sure K's presentable, and hardest of all, I try to make myself look presentable. This process takes hours. I realize that none of this is necessary, but it's just how I am.

If I could do things over again, I would have never allowed people to come over the first week or two of K's life. I thought I had to allow people to come over and that it was good to let people come over to see her and then I could take a break. Well, I was completely wrong. The first week which was so critical to my sanity and well being was full of people and I never really got the opportunity to bond with K. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the fact that family and friends were able to see K and hold her, but because of all the visitors, I never got a chance to just sit and hold K without crying from exhaustion.

So to those who are having babies soon, I would suggest really thinking about how many people you want to come over at first. The first couple of weeks, for me, were so important to learn how to live with a baby - to figure out a schedule, to learn how to feed K, and to learn how to sleep. I really wish I would have known this before because I am just barely learning these things. Each day gets better though. I'm glad I've finally been able to have some bonding time with K.

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