Denial. It's a process that I've been through a few times ... like the first time I saw that I had failed an exam or when I realized that I am married to a completely crazy, nerdy man and I love him more for it ...
... And I think the past 8 months could be described as a denial phase too. Since having a baby wasn't really in our plans for the next couple of years, finding out we were going to have a child soon was a real shocker. I'm definitely used to these - I think that Heavenly Father sometimes has a weird sense of humor with me. I can just hear Him saying, "Yeah, sure Kimberly, you can have a baby in a few years when the time is better for you ... oh, but by the way, having a baby now is a really good idea. Good luck." Ha - I'm okay with it, I just seem to get surprised more often than I feel like I should.
For the past 8 months, I've been scared to death. In fact, sometimes I don't even like talking about the fact that I'm pregnant. I've found myself staring at myself in the mirror crying because this isn't necessarily what I wanted - it's not what I had prepared myself for. I wasn't ready. But when am I ever ready when big changes happen? Never.
Mike has been really excited since September when I told him it was time ... well, after it sunk in for a few days. And I'm glad he's been excited because it's really helped me deal with this fact that in a month, we could have our baby here with us.
Luckily I think I'm finally accepting this fact. It's been 4 straight days and I've just wanted our little girl here with us in our arms, in her crib (that we don't have yet ...), in her car seat as I drive to work, in her stroller so we can go for a walk, and lying around on her blanket while she learns new things. Our upstairs neighbors have a 13 month old and I've been listening to her for most of the day and I'm so excited to have Katie here. Plus, I think I'll have a lot less muscle and back pains.
I'm so ready to get up in the middle of the night with her (our upstairs little girl woke up crying last night while I was still up which reminded me that she'll cry during the night) and I'm ready to spend twice as much time to get into the car than it normally takes me ... I'm ready to be responsible for someone else than myself and I'm ready to find out what it's like to try to squeeze in work whenever I can so that I can spend most of my time with our little girl. I'm ready for spit up, diaper blowouts, crying, laughing, learning to talk, and learning about this amazing world we live in.
So dear Katie, please come soon.
P.S. I had a dream last night that I gave birth to her in our apartment! That was a little scary. So Katie, come soon but not too fast. I'd rather be in a hospital.