I wish I had known ...

This has been a tough week. I had a training I had to attend and didn't take K to it which meant she stayed home with Mike and I traveled back and forth to make sure she was fed. A couple of times, I was really late getting home so K had been very upset for a very long time. I always feel bad when she's hungry and she's not able to eat.

She enjoys staying up until at the earliest, 11 pm. Normally, however, she'll go to sleep around 1:30 am. The times that she's up and is hungry actually coincides with the times where I would feel her kicking inside me the most. I was wondering if this would be the case and I love that it is. Her awake times aren't too bad for me.

She's also pretty good about going to sleep right after night feedings. I was really worried that she'd want to just stay awake after she ate at night because we try to keep her awake during the day after feedings but she has been doing fairly well.

I realize that there are people out there who want to spend time with K. I mean, she's one of the most adorable babies out there so I don't know why someone wouldn't want to hold her. But it's really tough on me because I have been made to feel guilty about trying to keep people away these past couple of weeks. We've allowed Mike's siblings to see her because it's there first time, and probably only time for quite a while, but other than that, I've just needed and really wanted to rest without visitors.

I don't think many people actually realize that when people come over, it's very stressful to me. Having a clean house is important to me so I will try to do the dishes and clean before people come over. Since having K, this is something I've struggled with most. Quite often lately, I will go to bed with items left on the table, the bathroom unclean, and blankets and toys scattered all over the living room. This was never normal for me before K.

Not only do I try to clean the place up, but I have to try to adjust K's feeding schedule to when people come over (usually doesn't work), I try to make sure K's presentable, and hardest of all, I try to make myself look presentable. This process takes hours. I realize that none of this is necessary, but it's just how I am.

If I could do things over again, I would have never allowed people to come over the first week or two of K's life. I thought I had to allow people to come over and that it was good to let people come over to see her and then I could take a break. Well, I was completely wrong. The first week which was so critical to my sanity and well being was full of people and I never really got the opportunity to bond with K. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the fact that family and friends were able to see K and hold her, but because of all the visitors, I never got a chance to just sit and hold K without crying from exhaustion.

So to those who are having babies soon, I would suggest really thinking about how many people you want to come over at first. The first couple of weeks, for me, were so important to learn how to live with a baby - to figure out a schedule, to learn how to feed K, and to learn how to sleep. I really wish I would have known this before because I am just barely learning these things. Each day gets better though. I'm glad I've finally been able to have some bonding time with K.

Sleeping

Two nights ago, Katie slept for quite a while so I got 4 hours of sleep in. It felt good. She made up for lots of sleeping last night though. She ended up not going to sleep until about 4 am which meant that I got to take care of her because she wanted to eat, then she wanted to be held, then she felt yucky so she kicked so I'd put her down, and then she wanted her pacifier, then she didn't want her pacifier, then she did, then she didn't, then she was hungry, then she wanted to be held ... this started around 6 pm and didn't stop until 4 am.

I wish back before getting pregnant, I would have enjoyed sleeping a little more. I hope at some point I'll actually get a full night of sleep again.

Sympathy

Last night, I cut Mike's hair. This was my first ever attempt and I was feeling pretty stressed because Mike has always been pretty particular about who touches his hair. After the last girl who cut his hair, however, he decided he never wanted to pay to get his hair cut again. This girl butchered his hair pretty good. He came home with one side longer than the other, one side boxy and one side rounded, and stray, long hairs all over the place.

However, last night, K was very fussy. She was hungry and wanted to be held during the entire time I was trying to cut his hair which only made me more stressed. I really just wanted to go to bed. Around midnight, I couldn't stand her crying and fussiness anymore so she had to lie in her crib until I was done with Mike's hair. She screamed and screamed and just as I was about to walk into her room, all of the screaming stopped. I rushed to her crib side to make sure she was alright and she was lying there whimpering with tears flowing down her cheeks. I had never seen anything so sad in my entire life.

I picked her up and held her and for the first time, I cried not because I felt stressed because she was crying, but because I felt so bad that she was crying. It was just the saddest sight I had ever seen.

17 days old

Little K is 17 days old. Crazy. I love that we can still count days for how old she is. She's so precious and pure and perfect and I love it.

After K eats, she curls up into a little ball, wanting to go to sleep. As I hold her and look down at her, I still can't believe that she fit in my belly. I called Mike in a few nights ago to look at her and my belly as I tried to figure out how she even fit in there.

Life is finally becoming a little more normal. I really wanted to take this week out for myself without visitors, without disruptions to my bonding with little K and it was great. Yesterday, I stopped answering the phone (mostly because it only rang while I was asleep), I only looked at my email a few times to see if my friend had gotten the job she had interviewed for on Thursday, and I only responded to Mike's chats. It felt good. I really felt like I haven't really been able to bond with K much because I've felt stressed and worn out and there have been a lot of visitors who have never seen her before. This past week has been really good for K and I. And I'm definitely looking forward to spending more time with her.

Forgotten Children?

I don't like Dr. Laura. I have my reasons but we won't get into those. I saw her blog linked to a friend's and decided to read it which is where I found this article. For once, Dr. Laura, I completely agree with you.